


feels like i've only gone backwards

by xolotia



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions Of Sexual Fantasies, but theres a happy ending i swear please trust me, idk how to rate this so its t, idk how to tag, its just mika thinking abt death, its not detailed tho, mika doesnt die its ok, mika isnt an angel its jst symbolic stuff, shu cuddles mika, tw for suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24794566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xolotia/pseuds/xolotia
Summary: Kagehira Mika was an angel with tattered wings and a broken halo.
Relationships: Itsuki Shuu/Kagehira Mika
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	feels like i've only gone backwards

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired from my self-esteem dipping lower than i care to admit ive hit a new low help i didnt even think it was possible but here we are  
> this is how i cope pleas e
> 
> uhhhhhh title inspired from tame impala's feels like we only go backwards

Kagehira Mika was an angel with tattered wings and a broken halo.

There had to be a reason why he’d fallen from heaven into a world where he didn’t belong. A world where he suffered so much misfortune that you could say he was cursed. He desperately wanted to go back to that heaven he fell from, and that want only grew stronger as the years went by. First, an unease in his stomach. Next, a gnawing feeling at his ribcage. Then, a pain that permeated throughout his bones. Now, a need to go back filled his heart, and tonight, it had finally conquered him.

He wanted to crawl out of bed, leave a kiss to the forehead of the man that kept him going for the past years, go to the window, and try to fly with those defective wings of his. Of course, like many other things he tried in his life, it would fall flat on its face and he would descend straight into hell. He knew now that he had no hope of getting back to heaven, and his only destination was hell.

He knew beating himself up over it would cause the love of his life to worry, and that was something he never wanted to see again. Shu in shambles like that, a shell of his former self, had torn Mika apart at the seams, and he swore he would do all he could to get the same accursed fate to fall upon the very man that made him suffer.

He couldn’t, though, Mika realized. He wanted to fly tonight, no, he was going to fly tonight, and that would most definitely disappoint the inner part of himself that wanted to keep going, to keep existing alongside who he was so deeply in love with.

Itsuki Shu was not Mika’s boyfriend. Far from it, in fact. Yet Mika would be lying if he said he didn’t harbor any romantic feelings for his mentor. Did he have any confidence in the thought that Shu felt the same way? No, of course not. Mika couldn’t bring himself to fathom how a beautiful, radiant, godlike man like Shu could ever fall in love with a disposable mess like he was, a poor excuse for a human being that questioned nearly every moment of his life, “what would happen if I tried to fly?”

He didn’t need to question, he knew the answer. He would die. Did that stop him from wanting to, though, is what he should be asking. He didn’t need to ask. He also knew the answer to that question. No, it didn’t. Dying is what would bring him to hell, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Not because he had forgotten what hell was like, no, but because he knew it wasn’t real. Heaven and hell are two worlds in the afterlife that were thought up to scare saps into believing that if they do anything remotely “sinful”, they would go to the place of eternal damnation.

His own opinions, his own thoughts, however, meant absolutely nothing. Everyone thought differently. Some people tried their hardest to go to heaven, and, well, good for them. It didn’t matter where he was going when he died to Mika. As long as he was dead and away from all of the tragedies that had wracked his soul since birth, he could be happy. He couldn’t say he knew what true happiness was like, but he could say he felt a small portion of it whenever Shu brushed ever so lightly over his hand, or when he tangled his fingers in Mika’s locks to try to smooth out whatever he had going on up there.

When in his dreams, his fantasies, Shu would get a little bit too close, and suddenly Mika was pinned underneath him, exposed and waiting, wanting, needing. Those always left him with some sort of feeling he could never describe, but it was a feeling he never wanted to let go of. Ever. Eventually, though, he had to. He would wake up, remember what he was thinking of in his sleep, look over his shoulder, see Shu’s back, and then he would smile to himself. A small part of that feeling, and maybe something else too, came back to him. He swears that sometimes he could feel the tips of Shu’s fingers ghosting over his spine and the softness of his lips on his neck, and it makes him shiver.

It was nice to feel something other than dread once in a while, of course. Apart from those short-lived dreams of intimacy, Mika felt nearly nothing in his day-to-day life other than the needles in his heart begging him to let go and let his wings fail the moment he steps foot out of the open window in the highest point of the house or school, wherever was closest. If he was especially bold, he would go up to the roof, but that would involve the risk of getting caught by another student, or worse, Shu. That talk was not something he wanted to have at any moment of his life.

Mika was tired. So, so tired, yet he was still wide awake. What was he tired of? Everything. The events of his life had only pushed him further to the edge of the cliff, and now he was finally standing at the end of it. Peering up, realizing that’s impossible, then looking down to something much more in reach and something much more realistic. Perfect. Perhaps he would pay the damned souls a visit tonight and move in with them.

Mika stared at the window, burning it into his memory. He considered looking back at Shu to burn his back into his memory, but he decided against it. That would be too painful, even for him. The one thing he didn’t want to remember when he went to the grave, strange as it is, was Shu. He was sure that would cause him emotional turmoil beyond the capacities he was able to handle. Beyond what he had ever felt before. Did Mika want to let go of Shu? No, absolutely not. If possible, he wanted to bring Shu with him. That would be extremely selfish, however, so he won’t. He was sure Shu wanted to live longer, so he wouldn’t rob him of the life he wanted to go through and experience.

Mika always boasted about being by Shu’s side forever, saying he’ll follow him to the pits of hell, but he couldn’t. He made colorless promises and only babbled nonsense to convince Shu to love him more, to give him a few more chances to mess up before he threw him out forever and brought in someone new and much more deserving of the spot beside him than Mika. Yes, he wanted to follow him to the pits of hell. He wanted to stay by Shu’s side forever, to keep the title of ‘partner’ Shu had given him, but if he wanted to do that, he had to live. He couldn’t fly. What Mika wanted most of all was to fly. 

No.

What Mika wanted most of all was to die.

Just as he was about to move his legs to maneuver himself out of bed and towards the window, he stopped. He couldn’t move, for Shu’s arms were wrapped around his waist and their legs were entangled. That move alone grounded Mika. His thoughts of death were replaced with thoughts of Shu. Being with him. Spending time with him. Growing closer to him. Loving him, and in turn, receiving Shu’s love back.

He didn’t want to fly anymore. Maybe he could reconsider. Maybe he could stay a little longer, let Shu in, let him offer help and maybe Mika would heal to some extent. Were the sadness and dread still there? Yes, but these thoughts of the man spooning him overpowered those feelings. He relaxed into the mattress and scooted back into Shu, yearning to feel more of his touch. As soon as he felt hot breath and the ghost of warm lips on the nape of his neck, he smiled and flushed lightly.

Itsuki Shu was asleep, yet he still did wonders for Mika.

Kagehira Mika was an angel with tattered wings and a broken halo, but Shu would help piece that halo back together and heal those wings of his so they could fly properly when it was their time.

Together, they would fly.

**Author's Note:**

> waga baba bobo
> 
> come scream at me on twt: @pourtheglass  
> thatsit mm ok byebye/\\\


End file.
